Alone but not Lonely

How I’m Alone but not Lonely

I am a single adult woman and while I may be alone, I am certainly not lonely. At some point these two words became interchangeable but there is a huge difference between them. Loneliness has a dark overtone and is a feeling that nobody wants. There is an uneasiness and longing that comes with feeling lonely. But alone can be whatever you make of it. It is a world of opportunity and self discovery.

Lonely

I am all too familiar with feeling lonely. That empty feeling of wanting or needing something and that something being just out of your reach. It seems like a puzzle piece missing from your life. Some wallow in the darkness and maybe even blame themselves for the feeling. While others hide from the void and try to cover it up with things to do and people to see. Unfortunately, there’s never enough to fill the void and the loneliness always returns in the silence. I’ve tried both of these options and ironically being alone was the solution to both.

Alone

I really think alone time is underappreciated. It’s one of those things that you only learn to appreciate when it’s missing. Whether you have a whole day or just one hour to yourself, there is something so powerful in having total autonomy in how you spend your time. You can nap, watch that show only you love, go for a walk or dance naked in your living room; whatever sounds best to you! Being alone is only uncomfortable if you are uncomfortable with yourself. Spend enough time with just me, myself and I…you’ll have no choice but to start to accept who you are.

The Search for One True Love

In Love with being In Love

With such a large difference between alone and lonely, how did they become interchangeable? In many ways, I blame society romanticizing love and it’s obsession with “the one.” Of course, societal pressure to pair up and find a relationship is nothing new. But I can’t help but wonder if all the classic Disney movies and Rom-Com’s warped my generations view of love.

These movies were a dream come true and I can’t blame us for getting swept off our feet with the idea of love. Unfortunately, I think many of us latched unto the idea of finding “the one” a little too tightly. Leading us to accept bad behavior and stay in unhealthy relationships due the fear of being alone & lonely. Society taught us to look for our other half and that we are incomplete if we aren’t in a relationship.

Reality vs. Fantasy

I spent most of my 20’s in two long, but unhealthy relationships. I am very forgiving and I tend to see the potential of a person more than the reality, or at least I used to. The fantasy of finding “the one” clouded my judgement. I missed the red flags because I was looking through rose colored glasses. Making the common mistake of putting the relationship ahead of myself and letting it take over. I gave in to small disagreements and decisions because “you have to compromise to make a relationship work” and “we all go through rough patches.”

With the fantasy of “the one” and cliched relationship advice running in the back of my mind, I stayed far too long and compromised too much. The result was that I lost myself. I gave everything to those relationships and all I received was loneliness. It is a terrible feeling to be lonely while in a relationship.

Your One True Love = YOU

It has been two years since my last relationship ended and I know some people in my life wonder why a girl like me is alone. The answer is really quite simple: because I choose to be. Not because there is something wrong with me, or that I’m damaged or that nobody wants me. But because I made a conscious decision to change the cycle and prioritize the most important relationship I will ever have. The relationship I have with myself.

Since making that decision, the last two years have been the best of my adult life. Sure, I’ve had my moments of loneliness, but I think that is just a part of life. I have been alone for 2 years but overall I’m not lonely. I cherish my alone time and it’s ability to recenter me. Being single and living alone forced me to confront my true self. From my positive attributes, to my demons and odd quirks; I had nowhere to hide and ended up choosing what to accept and what I wanted to change about myself. I gained so much self respect and became confident in who I am.

Highly Recommend

I truly think everyone can benefit from being alone for a while. It will force you out of your comfort zone. You learn what activities really give you joy, what motivates you to get up in the morning and what makes you feel content when going to sleep. Eventually you realize there isn’t always someone willing and available to join you on an adventure, or to that new restaurant or for that movie. So, you go alone and discover that there are some interesting perks to exploring and trying new things by yourself. You also start to realize just how valuable your alone time really is and that it’s YOUR CHOICE to say YES or NO.

It may seem small, but one thing that gave me a huge confidence boost was choosing to go hiking by myself. I took all the safety precautions, took a million deep breaths and anxiously drove to the trailhead; thinking I was crazy the entire time. About 5-10 minutes into the hike I started to relax. When I made it to the top of the mountain I was so happy and proud of myself for not letting fear and societal norms stand in the way of what I wanted.

That first solo hike was just one of many small milestones to occur in my first year living alone. Each one proving that being alone can be so empowering. With every small achievement I realized that there was nothing standing in the way of what I wanted. My only hurdle was overcoming fear. And fear is actually easy to overcome. I would simply think of the worst case scenario and prepare for it. Of course the worst case scenario has yet to occur.

The Key to Love is Self Respect

We need to eliminate the idea that another person ‘completes’ you. In reality, true love can only exist with two complete individuals. Let’s promote the idea that we are all whole with or without a relationship. We could be so much happier if we stop searching for our ‘other half’ in another person.

The only person that is really “the one” is ourselves, our TRUE selves. Spend time nurturing the most important person and relationship in your life. Find ways to complete your self and your life. And when you enter into a relationship whether it’s romantic, platonic, professional, or spiritual; make sure that it is adding to your life and not asking you to hide or compromise a part of who you are. Even if you’re lucky enough to find one lifelong companion, you are still the only one who has to accept the outcomes of your decisions. So choose wisely.

It is in solitude that we can discover what truly drives us forward and what makes us feel good. We shouldn’t be afraid of being alone.

I Want to Hear from You!

I hope that this will inspire you to embrace your alone time. What have you learned from being single and/or alone? Share something that brings you pure joy when you are hanging out with yourself.